Boundaries are like muscles. They need to be built up in a safe support system and allowed to grow. If you try to shoulder too much weight too quickly, your muscles may tear or be pulled.
This also destroys our safety. If your boundaries have been injured, you may find that when you are in conflict with someone, you shut down without even being aware of it. This isolates us from love, and keeps us from taking in safe people.
Hate is part of the immune system of your soul.
I read many years ago that Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, was asked, “How is your marriage so successful?” She replied, “Because he plays golf, and I play bridge.” Ruth Bell Graham understood the value of outside sources of life for a marriage to flourish.
The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. Learn.
Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.
But, as we all know, this was a lie. The man and woman did not become like God at all. Instead, in trying to become God, they became less of themselves. And this is why we need spiritual growth. We have become less of what we were created to be.
You’ll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those who “can’t say no.
One of the most powerful, though difficult, lessons we all need to learn on our spiritual pilgrimage is that even when bad things happen and we do not understand why, we can trust God to be present and working on our behalf.
The ultimate answer, then, to the problem of pain is a person. It’s God himself.
Remember that parenting is a temporary job, not an identity. Kids with parents who have a life learn both hat they aren’t the center of the universe and that they can be free to pursue their own dreams.
To best deal with unsafe people, we first need to understand what causes us to be unsafe. For the problem is not just outside us; it is inside every one of us.
To be purposeful people who can get things done, we need to be able to organize our desires, goals, time, and efforts. This is an important aspect of functioning.
In order for any of us to become fully functioning members of society, we must learn an interdependent dance with the community in which we live. We need each other. We need our friends. We need teaching and information from sources other than our parents. When we learn to use the community to meet our needs for relationship and truth, we can then be grounded wherever we find ourselves in life.
Frustration is a key ingredient to growth. The child who is never frustrated never develops frustration tolerance.
In short, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures...
Confrontation helps us learn about ourselves and change destructive patterns.
Begin to be aware of your tendency to make the “haves” bad and the “have nots” good. Ask God to help you to be grateful for what you have, and to rejoice in the good things that others have.
Anything of value has this rhythm to it: pain first, payoff later. If we face the pain early, the payoff will come.
For it is exactly into that prison that Jesus comes and tells us he will break us out.