The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light.
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. “Oh, honey, it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.” That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.
We probably stagnate our children’s emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
I don’t know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan’s Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.’
If you’re a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That’s almost on the bucket list, to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird” live.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
Comics don’t usually have very long careers, and I’m 22 years into this.
My whole career can be summed up with ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.