If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I’d just shave mine off.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it’s God first, friends and family second and you third, we won’t ever have an argument.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.
I would love for someone to offer me a serious part in something. I don’t know if I could even pull it off, but I would like to be the cowboy that rides off and someone shoots him off the horse in the middle of town. Just a serious role. It wouldn’t have to be a big one.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn’t tell their therapist.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
I’m very lucky in that I’ve gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, “You can only do one,” I’d think it would be stand-up. I think it’s the coolest job in the world.
If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.
It’s a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
Kids aren’t suppose to have cancer, they’re suppose to have a future.
You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
I wish I could relate to the people I’m related to.
That’s the great thing about a tractor. You can’t really hear the phone ring.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn’t go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
As an individual, as a household, you can’t spend more money than you’re bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we’re on as a country, and it scares me to death.