The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?
I love advertising because I love lying.
I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.
There’s nothing more fun than entertaining kids.
Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing?
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?”
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?