Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.
You know how your charger for your phone? It’s like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.
Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.