Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
I like definitive things.
The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life.
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.
There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.
I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.