See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’
I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
I am speechless: I have no speech.
The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?