Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.
There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.
I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.
I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’