Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
You can be passionate about anything.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.
We sold ‘Seinfeld’ all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.