You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.
When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.
I don’t wanna be a Pirate!!!!
Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.
Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.