Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.
Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.
You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
Economy is essential to all good art.
I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.
The biggest laugh has to come at the end.
There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’
People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.