There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.
I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son.
If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire.
It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’