Why would anybody want a friend?
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
I am freaking out! I am freaking out.
Men want to make women happy.
Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.”
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.
I’ve compiled a book from the Internet. It’s a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.
I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son.
If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire.
It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.