I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
I am speechless: I have no speech.
The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.’
What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.
Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.
Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Festivus for the Restivus!