You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.’
What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.
Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.
Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Festivus for the Restivus!
Why would anybody want a friend?
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
I am freaking out! I am freaking out.
Men want to make women happy.
Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.”
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.
I’ve compiled a book from the Internet. It’s a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.