What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.
What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!”
A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.
Can’t you at least die with a little dignity?
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.
I’d like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.