Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!”
Can’t you at least die with a little dignity?
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.
I’d like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!’
I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.
Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have.
Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.
Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.”
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.