A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
The best revenge is living well.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.