When someone you love dies, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming.
Magicians are definitely more arrogant. They’re kind of like “Abra Kadabra, you’re an idiot,” they don’t let you in on the joke. Comedians, you’re always in on the joke unless it’s Andy Kaufman.
Isn’t it cool when the days that are supposed to feel good, actually do?
I think I could go away tomorrow. I’ve already accomplished something. It’s such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.
I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.
If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.
Lots of people say if you dredge too much stuff up, you’ll go crazy – “You’ll go insane!” But for a comedian, insanity is not a problem. It’s a goal.
Don’t you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!
I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.
I spent most of my time in my room staring at a mirror. I never knew I was supposed to socialize. I just spent hours making faces at myself, having a good time.
All there will ever be is what’s happening here. Decisions we make in this moment are based on either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear, disguised as practicality.
Just because I rock doesn’t mean I am made of stone.
I try to do something the audience might not have seen before.
Everything can be made fun of. The most serious things are ripe for ridicule.
I hope I’ll never be is drunk with my own power.
The truth will set you free.
I would challenge anybody in their darkest moment to write what they’re grateful for, even stupid little things like the green grass that made them feel good, the friendly conversation they had with somebody on an alevator. You start to realize how rich you are.
I’d like to thank my mother, my father, the Academy. I’m sorry. I was thinking of something else.
I’m not in a recession. I’m doing very, very well. I’m doing incredibly well. I just want to be honest. I really am kicking ass.