If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.
Lots of people say if you dredge too much stuff up, you’ll go crazy – “You’ll go insane!” But for a comedian, insanity is not a problem. It’s a goal.
Don’t you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!
I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.
I spent most of my time in my room staring at a mirror. I never knew I was supposed to socialize. I just spent hours making faces at myself, having a good time.
All there will ever be is what’s happening here. Decisions we make in this moment are based on either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear, disguised as practicality.
Just because I rock doesn’t mean I am made of stone.
I try to do something the audience might not have seen before.
Everything can be made fun of. The most serious things are ripe for ridicule.
I hope I’ll never be is drunk with my own power.
The truth will set you free.
I would challenge anybody in their darkest moment to write what they’re grateful for, even stupid little things like the green grass that made them feel good, the friendly conversation they had with somebody on an alevator. You start to realize how rich you are.
I’d like to thank my mother, my father, the Academy. I’m sorry. I was thinking of something else.
I’m not in a recession. I’m doing very, very well. I’m doing incredibly well. I just want to be honest. I really am kicking ass.
Madness is never that far away. It’s as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse.
Riddle me this, riddle me that. Who’s afraid of the big black bat?
I love stories about teachers. For some reason I can’t get enough of those kind of stories. If I turn a movie on about a teacher, I love it. I love that idea of an adult influence on kids.
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
Not hope, but Faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a beggar.