After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama’s golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, ‘Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?’
Despite Russia’s move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia’s economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.
In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.
During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.
A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there’s two words I trust together in the same sentence, it’s ‘cheap’ and ‘helicopter.’
Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.
A Miami judge issued Florida’s first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They’ll say, ‘Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.’
Joe Biden went to Brazil in an effort to try and repair America’s relationship with their government. Biden said, ‘It’s great to be here in the Amazon. I’ve always wanted to see where all the books come from.’
Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he’s fine. The bad news is there’s no video of it.
President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.
Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don’t tell my parents about this. I can’t be explaining this stuff every week.
A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like ‘Feel the Bern.’ They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says ‘Feel the Chafee.’
At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, ‘Good!’
One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.
A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’
In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname ‘tortoise’ because he’s making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.
There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term – because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.
Apparently President Obama’s favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, ‘On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.’