I got every Dan Shaughnessy book known to man.
Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like ‘Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!’
Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.
A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that’s not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. ‘Hillary Clinton? She’s a cop?’
One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’
Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, ‘And that’s coming from ME!’
Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.
Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.
In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham’s personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.
Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.
Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.
Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.’
A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.
Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.
A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.
Trump is running for president and he’s wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate.
Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.
Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.’
Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is ‘Reform. Growth. Safety.’ Which is actually similar to Donald Trump’s new slogan: ‘Mexico. Money. Crazy.’
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?’