The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.
A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.
Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.
In New York, there are so many potholes, they’re like craters on the moon. That’s another traffic thing.
Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.
If people want to see you, they’ll find you. If they don’t see you on TV, they’ll find you on the Internet.
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.
Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.
I never sing in the shower. It’s very dangerous.
I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.
I like doing energetic things.
I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.
I sing in the car if I’m in LA, because you’re like soundproofed.
I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’
Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.
Sandler’s always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: ‘We think we’re important enough to charge money for our garbage.’
I honestly, purposely have not gone to therapy because I know some crazy stuff’s going to be dragged up and, you know, I’ll be like, ‘Wait, what?’
I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.