We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you’d expect, security’s been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.
A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.
According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’
President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes – eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said ‘Thanks Obama’ but actually meant it.
Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.
While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church’s president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.
Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as ‘Hispanic’ on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, ‘Si.’
President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you’d expect – telling people, ‘Uh, no, I don’t play for the Jazz.’
Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?
There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.
Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.
Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.
John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he’s still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, ‘Why is he talking to that mannequin?’
John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.
Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is ‘Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.’ It’s hard to tell if he’s running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex.
The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he’s ever been to Kenya, Obama said, ‘Of course. I was born – no, bored – over there. There’s nothing to do in Kenya.’
Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.
Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’
During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy’s Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy’s Country Ham House.
It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.