Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’
During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy’s Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy’s Country Ham House.
It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.
During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.
President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, ‘Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.’
A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say ‘anyone but Donald Trump.’
President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago.
This morning my dad called me up and said, ‘So, tonight’s your last show, huh.’ And I said, ‘No, Dad, that’s someone else.’
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.
Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.
A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.
In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be ‘Rocky Road.’ I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream. He’s just the brain freeze part.
Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you’re in a canoe.
When NBC told me I got the job, I asked, ‘Can we do it from New York?’ There was just silence on the phone.
Mike Huckabee said he’s the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.
The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that’s in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.
Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.
I can’t believe there are so many people who aren’t us.
The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.