I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.