I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
Does fashion matter? Always – though not quite as much after death.
You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.