I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.
I don’t think I’m good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because ‘Balzac’ sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today.
Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business.
I am furious about everything.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.
I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception.
I think I’ve lost 3lbs – I’m very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
If you’re not a wreck in this business, you’re not around.
I am a dyke! And I’m damn proud of it!
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.