Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’
I’m sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn’t.
My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here.
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party. Meaning, you can’t go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.