Looking 50 is great, if you’re 60.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
I think it’s time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ as well as ‘Something Blew.’
She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
She’s so hairy – when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves.
Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.