To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
I don’t think there’d be a Tina Fey now if I hadn’t tried to look good in the beginning.
At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Age – it’s the one mountain you can’t overcome.
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck.
Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark’s glamour.
Never admit that your back goes out more than you do.
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.