You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays.
I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
No more Botox for me. Betty White’s bowels move more than my face.
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.
I’m never without a bandage.
I have to tell you that it’s not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don’t say ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’ or ‘I’m too tired.’
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Don’t talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.
I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you.
There’s always an adjective before my name, and it’s never a nice one.
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride”...
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done You can tune me out, you can click me off, it’s OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness. But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party.
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.