Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I think it was Cosby who also said to me, ‘If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.’
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.