My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Never floss with a stranger.
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better.
If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will.
I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you’re really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
I love the way my life has fallen into place.
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.