Every time I get on an airplane I figure it’s gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’
My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Welcome to my world! I’ve been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.
What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.
I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.
All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: ‘Run your own race, put on your blinders.’
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.