My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they’re my best friends.
Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.
But it’s hard for a chick to do comedy. It’s not as open for them.
When a ball goes into a net it only means something because we decided it means something. When somebody punches somebody in the face it always means something.
Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it’s very specialized and varied in it’s content, but generic in it’s title.
The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing’s more disgusting than a guy who steals another person’s ideas and tries to claim them as his own.
It never hurt Lenny Bruce’s career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.
I really feel like it’s a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.
What’s interesting about science is that we’re constantly discovering new things about the universe, about ourselves, about our bodies, about diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It’s amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being – without a doubt.
The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don’t know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.
I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.
When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.
No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.
People are scared man, they’re scared of the void.
It’s a very strange thing when you make nature illegal.
If the world was an etch-a-sketch, glaciers are the big shake.
The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both.
To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don’t really worry that much about what other people think of me.
Live your life like you’re the hero in your movie.
It’s been one of the most important tools for me in personal growth for understanding myself, how I am, and what effect I do have on other people.