The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he’ll be two weeks older.
They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don’t stop building them.
I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
We’re more effective than birth control pills.
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.”
He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.
The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.’
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Air Canada. That’s a good name for a Canadian airline.
The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it’s ear.
I get sick of that old rationalization, “We’re staying together because of the children.” Kids couldn’t be more miserable living with parents who can’t stand each other. They’re far better off if there’s an honest, clean divorce.
I’m an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I’m on the screen, and I’m completely sincere about it. If I don’t happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn’t make me a hypocrite or a phony.