Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that’s Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there’s something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.
In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor’s vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
If God didn’t want man to hunt, He wouldn’t have given us plaid shirts.
I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.
Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
Believe me, you don’t walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.
NBC’s a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they’re changing Irving R. Levine’s name to Scud Shrapnel.
According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace.