I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn’t take two hours.
The closest thing to Roseanne Barr’s singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they’ll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? ‘Gilligan’s Island.’
An oxymoron? What’s that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
I’m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you’re a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don’t need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford – an actor and a stuntman.
We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn’t seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, “It was all right but I liked the book better.”
What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?