Never tell the box-office man that you can’t hear well or he will sell you a seat where can can’t see either.
If at first you do succeed don’t take any more chances.
If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy.
The longer it takes you to select a cantaloupe, the worse it is!
Intelligent people are always on the unpopular side of anything.
When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done.
If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on a vacation.
There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
It’s what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.
Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it’s by applause.
Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
Where ignorance is bliss it’s foolish to borrow your neighbor’s newspaper.
After a fellow gets famous it doesn’t take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.
It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.
There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.
Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.