Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course.
Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.
You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.
A place to go – that’s what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you’re worthless unless you have a place to go.
I’ve always loathed rich people, so I’ve become who I’ve loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.
I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.
I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.
Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.
I don’t like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.
Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.
It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often.
You write about what you know.
Well, as you know, I’m really only happy when I’m on stage.
Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
I find human contact repulsive.
I’m Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties.
I got a Swede lawyer?!? She’s gonna get everything!
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I’d given myself credit for.