I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.
I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.
I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.
I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.
Most practical jokes, I’ll feel too bad for the other person so I’ll stop just before the punchline.
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
I’m trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.
Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.