The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
If I get a week off, I’ll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I’ll do that five days in a row.
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.
If you yell about one woman, you’re not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn’t make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I’m a misogynist.
I’ve been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it’s nice, if you’ve put in the time, to achieve that recognition.
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they’re supposed to do, and they sure can’t do math!
Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you’re crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life.
I don’t need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I’ll have to eat both!
There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.
Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.
When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming!”
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it’s tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us – warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.