FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
It’s great that we’re bringing democracy to Iraq. I can’t wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?
We don’t have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons – let’s find it!
Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes’.
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
It’s a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It’s not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich.
Parenting isn’t just parenting your own child.
Self-love is a big part of golf.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
There should be a law that you can’t shut down the government – that you don’t have that power.
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it’s become good business, and God knows how long that’ll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on ‘Piers Morgan’ or on some show and I think, ‘I hope this is funny.’
The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don’t tell me, ‘Golf helps you find yourself.’ I’ve been playing my whole life, and I’m still looking for myself.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that’s on its back and can’t get up; you can’t make jokes about that.
Everybody’s family has different values.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not.
I’m not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.
I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.