Nobody in college races home and says, ‘I can’t wait to see the news! I can’t wait to see who CBS is going to hire!’
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I’d read War and Peace four times.
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn’t a person. “Excuse me, sir, why haven’t you paid your taxes.” “Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.” “Well, you look like a person.” “No it’s all done with mirrors, trust me!”
Now, most of the time you couldn’t be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn’t have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
Well first of all, I’d just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
If you’re going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you’d better be sure that God has faith in them.
When I’m funny is when I’m angriest.
Online, there’s no time. It’s always Christmas.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage.
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’
Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app!
For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don’t have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That’s not what I think; that’s what married people think.
Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich.
Wow, you survived a blackout. You’re made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
He smiles so much, I don’t think he has a central nervous system.
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.
I’m constantly in fear of having a stroke.