My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.
Do you know what ‘meteorologist’ means in English? It means liar.
Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas.
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
It’s a shame cars don’t run on cognitive dissonance.
I’ve always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
Going up to Canada is great because I’m not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I’m lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we’re sharing the same frustration.
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Just relax and breathe through your ass.
That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone.
I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that’s the truth.
If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don’t go out to vote, that they don’t feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It’s not just Obama’s fault or Clinton’s or whomever’s, it’s all of them, the whole collection of clowns I’ve had to sit through.
The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
If you want to get an audience quiet, just say “abortion” and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.