The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say “FOSSIL”. If he still won’t shut up I throw it at him.
Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.
Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.
I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there’s been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There’s so much of “they don’t know this, and they don’t know that,” and they’re always denigrating.
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it’s really just – I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn’t help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that’s not a good way to learn.
I’m always amazed when I hear people saying; That George Bush, he’s a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It’s just a guarantee.
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow – together! And I hadn’t done drugs.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday!
I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it’s 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don’t.
I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.
Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.
These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn’t make Midwesterners feel icky!