I’ve had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That’ll always outweigh the good times.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.
I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them.
All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it’s like, Hey, I’ve got a cup in case we need another cup. Dude, you’re a genius!
It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn’t choose to.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It’s like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you’re good at.
Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he’ll figure it out.
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.
You can’t cancel my stand-up tours. It’s impossible. There’s too many separate bosses. There is no ‘bosses.’
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says “dolphin safe”, and you look at it and kind of go, “Yeah, but”-like somehow you think it’s not going to be as good? Like, “I want to do the right thing-but it’s probably kind of bland without the dolphin.”
There’s no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you’re gonna be HUGE !
If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to ’em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.