Some people think it’s demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don’t know if that’s true.
If I’m not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you’re an actor, you can’t go – I guess there’s forms of it.
I don’t have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It’s just me out of my head.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
Technically, I’ve learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.
I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That’ll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
How do women still go out guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally, and historically one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.
In 27 years doing this, I’ve seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you’re aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.
My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is.
I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.
The thing is, comedy’s gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.
Life isn’t something you possess. It’s something you take part in, and you witness.
If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn’t be a conversation.
I thought about going to NYU film school – that was this ideal to me. But I didn’t make any kind of grades in high school.
You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you’re not doing while you’re doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It’s hard and fun.
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They’re charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you’re broke, that costs money.