I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don’t remember caring much. I don’t care. It’s just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it’s pretty even.
Well, I think likability is an overused word. I don’t watch people ’cause I like them; I watch them because they’re compelling. Sympathetic is a little different. Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows.
I know I’m getting old because there will be times when I’m not even doing anything and I’ll think, ‘I need to go wipe my ass right now.’
You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
If you had a jetpack you’d be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who’s your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.
Young people don’t even consider that it’s a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.
I find that when people laugh really hard, it’s usually because they’re connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn’t considered. That’s my payoff.
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don’t give up, you will get better.
I’ve tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it’s hard.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, “You hips. You hips need to get it together.”
What happens after you die? Lots of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.
If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn’t resting and it isn’t doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks.
Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can’t take a joke and comedians can’t take criticism.
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna die and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than you’re alive. Like that’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people that didn’t die yet.