I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.
When I see two guys kissing, I’m like, how come I can’t kiss one of those guys? They look like they’re having a good time.
It’s easier to cancel a show if it’s expensive.
I love being married. It’s great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It’s just easier; it goes quicker. She’s like, “What’s wrong with you?” And I’m like, “I know! Damn it! Argh!”
Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it’s different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.
I could never sit down and write jokes.
Everything that people say is testable.
If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb.
It’s just a big excuse to say awful things.
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you’ll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that’s really hard to come back from – harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English – I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.
I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.
Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it’s like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.
There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.
I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.
You could drive a rental car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem.