I don’t think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
I don’t like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can’t because I’ve got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they’re naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they’re going to be dressed, and they’re going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
People get successful and they start saying, ‘Well of course I am! I was chosen! I’m special!’ No, you’re not.
What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
When you’re young as a comic, you don’t have a lot of leverage.
Talking is always positive. That’s why I talk too much.
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don’t.
I like all ladies of all different ages.
There’s been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It’s really easy to say, ‘Well, you’re Christian, you’re anti-this and that, and I hate you.’ But to me, it’s more interesting to say, ‘What is this person like and how do they really think?’
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I’m making plenty of money.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That’s like a sports thing, it’s not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you’re going to be taken through.
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It’s a great, very smart way to make television. It’s worked for however long TV’s been around.
Sorry – Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone’s getting hurt.
Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it’s me.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I’m like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we’re walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they’re killing, everybody’s murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don’t want to be alone for a second because it’s so hard.