Fix-it jackals can’t wait to fix it, because they don’t know how to enjoy pain. And until you learn how to enjoy pain, you can’t enjoy intimacy.
Empathy before education.
Empathize, rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person.
If we don’t tell people about our needs, it is much less likely they will be met.
If you are a jackal, you will try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They can’t stand pain, but make matters worse by trying to get rid of it. Put on giraffe ears. Try to hear what they are feeling and needing.
NVC is a reminder; to focus our attention where we are most likely to get our needs met.
Never connect yourself with the other person’s pain. Just hear their need. Leave yourself out of the other person’s feelings and needs.
NO is always a YES to something else.
Most of us live in a Jackal world where we take turns using the other person as a waste basket for our words.
We want people to change because they see better ways of meeting their needs at less cost, not because of fear that we’re going to punish them, or ‘guilt’ them if they don’t. This applies to ourselves as well.
In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
In a Giraffe institution, the head nurse job would be to serve the nurses, not to control them. Teachers are there to serve the students, not control them.
Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.
The key to fostering connection in the face of a ‘no’ is always hearing ‘yes’ to something else.
In our culture, most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs.
Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value.
If we become skilled in giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a natural release of energy which then enables us to be present with the other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of other choices.
NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people.
A respectful understanding of another’s experience.