It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.
Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren’t in very good shape.
I don’t know anything about politics. I wouldn’t put too much into my prediction on politics.
I have always loved Las Vegas. It’s a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.
I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.
I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.
I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.
I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser.
I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.
In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That’s how you know who the best player is.
Stand-up has the best writers, because it’s the hardest writing by a million miles.
Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.
I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.