I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser.
I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.
In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That’s how you know who the best player is.
Stand-up has the best writers, because it’s the hardest writing by a million miles.
Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.
I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.
Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that’s all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
If you’re looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here’s a clue: Look for the dead guy.